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The United States National
Official Monster Raving Loony Party
Policy Document
(Vote Sensible - Vote Loony)
Unlike most parties it is the policy of the USNOMRLP to encourage members to contribute ideas for possible inclusion in the party policy document. (Members only please!!!!)
This is a preliminary draft of a few ideas - all of which are subject to change - which may, or may not, at some undetermined time in a galaxy far away possibly become some kind of official party manifesto...(maybe).
Law and Order
All police officers will be issued with all terrain bicycles except those in SWAT teams. They will get space hoppers instead. This will reduce the number of multiple squad car crashes and the bike/space hopper crashes will be much funnier.
We will solve the problem of overcrowding in prisons by releasing all the innocent prisoners.
It is grossly unfair that only judges should have to wear robes in court. In the interests of equality, we will insist that everyone appearing in court should be allowed to wear silly clothes.
Recall the case of the woman who drove up to a fast food restaurant drive through window and ordered hot coffee, then stupidly spilled it on herself while driving, thus burning herself. This woman promptly sued the restaurant for serving hot coffee without a warning that it would be hot! She didn’t know? If it hadn’t been hot she would have complained! According to reports, she prevailed, big! It is proposed that in the future anyone who files such a suit and prevails must contribute 99.99% of their award towards educating anyone who (1) orders hot coffee and then drinks it while driving that they are risking injury to themselves and others, and (2) well duhh....hot coffee is, well hot.... and if they have questions regarding this issue, perhaps they should simply order cold coffee. (Submitted by Lady Marlena - Florida)
Recall the many frivolous suits filed by prison inmates purely to clog up the legal system. One such case concerned the fact that when served with his dinner, an inmate was upset that some of his gravy had been allowed to touch his peas. (Yes....it’s true.)It is recommended that sutch inmates be required to (1) attend culinary training, at which they would be educated that - in some parts of the world - sutch unpalatable food would be considered haute cuisine, and (2) attend pottery classes at which they could make their own plates with dividers to prevent sutch unfortunate ocurrences. (Alternatively they could just be made to lose gravy priveleges!) (Submitted by Lady Marlena - Florida)
Open Government
The home telephone numbers of all elected officials in national and local government will be made available to their electors so that you can have a chat with them whenever you like. We will also include in this list the home numbers of the heads of all the utilities so you can have a chat about your bills directly with the people getting your money, and without having to suffer interminable telephone menus.
It has been read from the 2000 Guinness Book of World Records that the Danish Prime Minister’s personal home phone number is listed in the phone book and that any Danish citizen can request an audience with their Queen... and she’ll grant it. It is proposed that there be such an open door policy in America, Do you want to chat with your Mayor? Do you wish to eat lunch with your Councilman? Have a burning question that requires your Governor’s or President’s answer? Why not? Lobbyists shouldn’t be the only ones to have that privelege! (and all lunches, including those with lobbyists should be Dutch treat!)
Further, politicians should list every connection to companies, groups, etc., and publish it publicly for all the electorate to see to help prevent the over abundance of self serving wallies.
Health
All US hospitals will be twinned with hospitals in other countries so that you can choose where you want to convalesce. Wigs will be made available, at no cost, to all people who are losing their hair. Especially Jesse Ventura.
Complimentary medicine should be government funded. (We’re not so sure about complementary medicine!)
Placebos should be free at the point of use.
It has been proposed that if a male “big-wig” requests a prescription for Viagra from his doctor or a female “big-wig” requests “cosmetic enhancement”, the doctor should require the spouse’s written permission. This may help prevent scandals and divorces.
All employees, especially CEOs and administrators of Health Maintenance Organizations should be required to participate in the HMO they represent.
Youth
Actually we don’t have any policies on youth. We think they’re probably better off without politicians interfering with them. (His Spiritualness - Screaming Lord Sutch)
Foreign Affairs
There is no reason why you shouldn’t have a foreign affair if you want to.
Remember, “World peace begins in the heart of a Loony”. (Hollywood Dave, Presidential Candidate, July 2000). Loonys are citizens of the world, not limited by national barriers. It’s a state of mind. If your mind is in a state, join us!
Loony position on Red China:
Goes very nicely with a white tablecloth! (Sir Cumference - Texas).
Decimal Time
Current timekeeping is far too confusing and stressful, especially when you’re hungover, late for work or trying to figure out a 24 hour timetable so the USNOMRLP proposes to simplify the system:
There will be 100 seconds to a minute, 100 minutes to an hour, 10 hours per day, 10 days per week, 5 weeks per month and 10 months per year.
We are also considering the abolition of January and February. This means virtually no winter and everyone will save money because colds and flu will be less prevalent.
Social Reform
The social policies of the major parties do not go far enough. We propose:
a twenty hour working week (in the new decimal time, of course),
a minimum wage based on 100% of Senators’ salaries, and
maternity and paternity leave for pets.
Superstitions
Almost everyone is superstitious about something. It seems foolish to leave superstition - the wisdom of the ages - to the individual so the USNOMRLP proposes taking over control of it to encompasss this wisdom in US law.
For your own protection it will be illegal to walk under ladders (unless you have been observed to have realized your error and walked back the other way).
All new housing will be built with an easily accessible piece of top quality wood in each room for knocking on.
Mirrors will have to be made of unbreakable glass.
In addition:
Your Loony government will undertake a public information program to make everyone aware that they should
always look before they leap,
not watch a pot in case it doesn’t boil,
avoid having too many cooks.
Culture and Heritage
The USNOMRLP believes that culture is really quite a good thing but
isn’t French pop music crap?
And German television,
and Italian movies,
and Spanish literature.
We will found a National Rock & Roll College where people can be trained to be burned out roadies or the next Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), and
Angus and Malcolm Young (AC/DC) will finally be endowed with the Universally accepted status of “Unquestionable Gods”. Praise be to the Lords of Rock ‘n’ Roll. Amen! (Submitted by Screwy Driver - UK and Sir Andrew - Florida)
We will abolish Courtney Love.
Emergency Preparedness
In hurricane prone areas (such as Florida) the USNOMRLP proposes to create the Federal Approaching Hurricane Repulsion Team (FAHRT).
FAHRT will issue everyone resident within one half mile of the coast with a personal fan. (You know, the little battery operated ones you can get in the dollar store - they take two 1.5v batteries and you can easily carry them in your pocket).
When the weather monitoring organizations announce the impending arrival of a hurricane, all FAHRT members (or Fahrters, as they will be affectionately known) will be mobilized.They will line up along the beach and on a given signal from the Chief Fahrter they will activate their fans. The resulting rush of fahrting activity will stop the hurricane in its tracks and send it back from whence it came. We were considering just feeding the Fahrters beans and letting nature take its course but we dropped that idea out of concern for the ozone layer! (Sir Andrew - Florida)
State of Emergency
Apparently it’s constitutionally OK for the President to declare a state of emergency, suspend congress, withdraw from NATO, and rule directly from Washington. We will advise the President to invoke these powers only if
David Cassidy releases a Christmas album,
Zsa Zsa Gabor dies, or
the USNOMRLP does not win the next election.
(Oh, and by the way, we believe that if her lips are on your willy, it’s sex! .......For both of you! ......Even if you’re the President!) (George Carlin - USA)
Technology
It’s fine, as long as we control it. Unfortunately it seems to be getting the upper hand.
Have you ever been using a personal computer, when for no apparent reason it tells you that you have performed an “illegal operation” (what does it think you are - a struck-off doctor?) or made a “fatal error” (fatal to whom?). Even worse, it makes a silly noise to point out to you how pathetically stupid you have been. Computers need to be reminded that they work for us!! After all, they wouldn’t know anything if they hadn’t been told it in the first place, would they?
The USNOMRLP will work towards re-educating uppity computers to show more respect for their users and those which refuse to tow the line may be incarcerated in a secure facility until such time as they apologise. Oh, and another thing, the USNOMRLP is fed up with all those stupid electronic beeps, buzzes, pips, plops, grunts, etc., which seem to come at us from all directions. We will pass legislation to standardize them, perhaps to something pleasant like bird calls, or the sound of wine glugging out of a bottle. (Submitted by Sir Andrew - Florida)
Energy
Do you remember when you were in school and you made a battery out of a lemon, a piece of copper and a piece of zinc? Well, you can do the same thing with oranges. California has lots of oranges. All we need to do is to join all the oranges together to make one huge battery and that should power California until they are over their energy crisis. (Florida - take note!) Alternatively, we could build huge windmills and ask everyone east of California to step outside and blow westward for half an hour. (Sir Cumference- Texas).
Electoral/Constitutional Reform
An American citizen can marry, reproduce, enlist in the armed forces, die for his/her country, vote, drive a car (potentially a lethal weapon), and all while still under the age of 21. Yet, he/she cannot run for election to the Presidency until the age of 35. Isn’t that strange?
In the light of some of the untoward goings on in higher political circles (there do seem to be some interesting perks on offer, don’t there?), and in the belief that our young people are our future, we propose to lower the age at which a candidate can run for the Presidency to 18. After all, if you can vote for a President at 18, why shouldn’t you be elected at 18?
Jesse Jackson should get no more air time until...............well, he should get no more air time! O.K? (Submitted by FrogGrad - Texas/Massachusetts)
Opinion polls will be banned during elections because they are usually wrong and they are way too boring. Instead, daily odds will be quoted in the media and you can have a bit of fun betting on the outcome.
At every election people will get a chance to vote for the next election so they can leave their vote in their will if they die too soon.
It will be illegal to call yourself a Party if it can be proved that you don’t! (Submitted by Screwy Driver - UK Rock ‘n’ Roll Loony Party)
In view of the last Presidential election fiasco, the USNOMRLP proposes to simplify matters (so that even republicans and Democrats can figure it out!). The large USA maps used on the TV channels - you know, the ones where the states with a Republican majority are colored blue and the ones with a Democratic majority are colored red (and, of course, the ones with a Loony majority which will be colored purple with leopardskin spots) - will come into play. All of those states colored blue will have a republican President and all of those which are colored red will have a Democratic President. Any state which is incapable of making up its mind - like Florida - will have the Loony Presidential candidate Mr. Hollywood Dave as its President. After all, the certified result of the election in Florida was that the Republicans polled 537 votes more than the Democrats. TWO WEEKS prior to that certification, Mr. Hollywood Dave was informed that he had polled - YES! YOU’VE GUESSED IT, 537 VOTES. So it is obvious, is it not, that Mr. Hollywood Dave of the United States Official Monster Raving Loony Party should have been the duly elected President of the state of Florida. (Submitted by Hollywood Dave, Presidential Candidate - Florida)
Since so many politicians seem to be confused as to which way they should lean the United States National Official monster Raving Loony Party proposes that all politicians be made to wear different color socks - purple for the right foot and yellow for the left - so they are in no doubt as to which way they should go! (Submitted by Captain Mark/Brave Dave - South Africa)
We would form a Department of Procrastination, assuming we get around to creating one. (Sir Cumference - Texas).
Agriculture
We will fund research into why crop circles never appear in rutabaga fields.
Department for Pets (Not including inanimate ones like rocks!)
Pets will be given the right to vote. After all, they have a voice too. Well, some of them.
There will be a Secretary for Pets whose first bill will be the Dangerous Politicians Act:
certain politicians will not be allowed out in public unless on a leash and muzzled. Some Republican Senators may have to be neutered.
A harmless fluorescent additive will be introduced into all proprietary dog foods. The result will be that all doggie doo doo carelessly left on sidewalks by inconsiderate dog owners will glow in the dark, enabling people to avoid stepping in it. (Submitted by Lady Muck - UK Rock ‘n’ Roll Loony Party)
Defense
It is not the policy of the USNOMRLP to spend obscene amounts of American taxpayers’ hard earned dollars on so many nuclear weapons that we can kill everybody in the entire world several hundred times. That’s the policy of the unofficial loonys in the Republican and Democratic Parties. We think blowing up the world once is quite enough, thank you very much!
To reduce our dependence upon such weapons of mass destruction we will build de fence all around de country. De fence will be freshly creosoted regularly. Thus, anyone coming over de fence who shouldn’t be here will be easily detectable due to the strong smell of creosote on his/her clothing.
A National Missile Defense System could be a large baseball catcher’s mitt suspended above the major population centers with the local baseball teams on standby so they can be directed to any wayward incoming missiles which may be going off target. The baseball net would be comparatively inexpensive and demonstrate national pride for the national game. (Submitted by Sir Cumference - Texas).
The Weather
In an effort to combat global warming we propose to instal a large window in the ozone layer in order to let the hot air out. (Submitted by Sir Cumference - Texas)
Apart from abolishing January and February, the Florida climate will be improved by cutting a swathe across the top of the state and towing the newly formed Isle of Florida 200 miles further south. This massive enterprise will lead to:
a huge expansion in Florida ship building to produce sufficient tugs to do the job,
a huge expansion of the Florida wine industry (this may upset Californians, but who cares? Florida was producing wine long before California anyway),
an increase in the length of Florida’s coastline, which will be protected from the development of condos.
(Of course, towing Florida 200 miles south will put us in the hurricane belt but never mind, FAHRT can take care of that!) (Submitted by Sir Andrew - Florida)
Edukayshen Ejacishun Edukathion Education
Err, we - err....well, know what I mean? Like, err....it’s like, important, you know? So:
we will make sure there is at least one grammar book in every town, and
we strongly support the teaching of the four Rs - readin, rytin, and rock ‘n’ roll. Low standards will be tackled by teachers learning to talk proper and rite good.
School uniforms will be compulsory for teaching staff. After all, it’s only right that they set a good example.
There will be a “Who wants to be a millionaire” type game show where college applicants are give a second chance to explain why they should be admitted to college despite their abysmally low test scores and lack of motivation. (Submitted by Right Honorable Peachy Keen Jellybean - California).
As a mark of respect to the father of loonyism - the redoubtable Screaming Lord Sutch - the word “such” will, henceforth, always be spelled “sutch”.
Seniors
We will introduce retirement for all at 55 and free beer and sex for all retired persons.
Retiree benefits will be fixed at 100% of Senators’ salaries (except for retired politicians, who have already bled the country dry).
Military bases will be turned into Action Theme Parks where retirees can re-live their war exploits.
Taxation
Well, we do have to have some, but isn’t it a mess? We propose to somehow link income tax to the lottery so you at least stand a chance of getting your money back. We haven’t quite worked out the details but we’ll come up with something. Honest! No, really!
Transportation
Roads will be dug up a maximum of once every ten years. Before they are dug up, all the utility companies will be informed and they can all replace their cables, pipes, sewers, telephone lines, etc., all at the same time. Any utility which gets its timing wrong will just have to wait for the next dig.
Street parties will be held to celebrate the event and twinning ceremonies will be encouraged with roadworks in other parts of the country.
All urban streets will have clearly marked stroller lanes.
Sidewalks will be heated in winter. (except in Florida)
Isn’t wheel clamping counter productive?Illegal ImmigrationWe at Loony HQ are perplexed by our administration's abject failure to come up with simple solutions for simple problems and we propose to "kill two birds with one stone" (metaphorically speaking of course - Loonys would not needlessly and recklessly endanger our beautiful wildlife).
We will dig a canal the entire length of the US/Mexico border. The earth removed will be taken to New Orleans and used to raise the Levies. Alligators will be relocated from Florida to populate the canal thereby solving two problems at once.
Employment
The USNOMRLP proposes to work towards achieving a standard 20 hour working week. We think that’s enough time for anyone to be working for someone else.
The national minimum wage should be fixed at 100% of a Congressman’s pay.
Politicians will tell you that unemployment is at an “acceptable” level. Acceptable to whom? Loonys have a fool proof plan for reducing the length of the unemployment line:
Make everyone stand closer together.
If that does not resolve the problem, unemployed people should be offered incentives to move to the City of “Jeopardy”, since according to the nightly news reports “there are lots of jobs in Jeopardy”. (Submitted by Sir Cumference - Texas)
A Civil Society
There is no doubt that far too many people in political (and every day) life are just plain rude and unpleasant. It costs nothing to be polite and respectful and in an effort to raise standards we propose:
that all politicians should wear top hats in an attempt to make them more civilized,
National Road Rage Championships will be held every year on Malfunction Junction to enable drivers to express their anger in a controlled environment. (Check guns in at the security gate!)
When stuck between floors in an elevator, each person should considerately breathe only four times a minute to conserve oxygen.
Broadcasting
The USNOMRLP has observed that it is apparently acceptable for small children to watch Arnie Schwarzenegger tear a man’s arm off on prime time television, therefore planting the seed of wisdom in children that horrific violence is just fine, but the slightest glimpse of a titty is considered unacceptable to Americans. Oh come on! Just who is it that is so all powerful as to dictate to 260 million Americans that that the human body is so distasteful but death and destruction is OK? What are we teaching our children? (Submitted by Hollywood Dave, Presidential Candidate - Florida)
It will be made illegal to broadcast telephones and doorbells - it’s so irritating when you get up to answer the phone and then realize it’s only Roseanne ordering pizza.
Sport
A plan is being developed to link all of those exercise machines in gyms to electricity generation equipment thus providing free electricity for retirees on fixed incomes.
The USNOMRLP proposes a revision to the rules of golf which will replace the traditional call of “fore”. Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call “Gore!” while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time as the player can claim the hole. This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A recent test of this new rule was played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach, Florida and the first hole only took seven days to complete! (Submitted by Eddie - Tampa, Florida).
Alcohol
Hmmmmmm.......this is a tough one. Most Loonys, for some reason best known to themselves, seem to have something of a liking for the occasional alcoholic beverage. Our research indicates that no government has ever spent serious research money on developing a “Morning After The United States National Official Monster Raving Loony Party Hangover Pill”. Once the great American people have elevated us to a position of power we will take care of this serious neglect. The pill will be freely available in pharmacies. The benefits will be enormous:
hangovers will be a thing of the past - creating huge savings for industry since you won’t have to call in sick,
we will be guaranteed a landslide victory at every election,
industrial accidents, and therefore, frivolous lawsuits will be massively reduced,
medical costs would be reduced for everyone due to the royalties generated by worldwide sales of the Loony Hangover Pill.
The Department of Nostalgia
We will remind people of how good things used to be. Since everyone complains about things not being like they were, we all need help to dream of a wonderful bygone age when everyone was paid in sacks full of silver dollars, no-one got ill or died, the weather was perfect, buses, trains and planes arrived on time, and you could get 200 pints (20oz pints!) of Bud for a buck!
Sex and Rock ‘n’ Roll
None of this has anything to do with politicians (except Bill). Therefore, all laws restricting peoples private activities and their right to go to a rave (even if they listen to “repetetive beats”) should be repealed.
Under a Loony government sex and Rock ‘n’ Roll will be available through your friendly neighborhood HMO.
The Economy
ATMs will be fitted with a little flap, from under which your money will be passed to you by the hand of a bank employee - for that personal touch.
Credit cards should be limited to those who have demonstrated financial sense. This would eliminate politicians, lawyers, gamblers who foolishly expect to win in Las Vegas and Atlantic City, and of course, baseball team owners. (The Mad Mathemetician - New Jersey).
Statistics should be abolished. They are usually very gloomy or wildly optimistic and you can mislead anybody with statistics.
We will do away with the under the table economy by putting it on the table, and the black market will be illuminated. (Of course, we wouldn’t have these problems if everyone could keep more of what they earn.)
The new Loony government will conduct research into the feasibility of constructing a nationwide pair of jumper cables to jump start the economy. (Submitted by Sir Cumference - Texas)
Trade Relations
USNOMRLP policy is that it’s perfectly OK to trade relations for a while, so long as both sides are in agreement, and you return them to their proper families eventually.
The Big Idea (We don’t have one)
Most politicians seem to know everything and have an opinion on every issue. We’re different, and a bit more realistic. We know that we don’t know. We’re quite prepared to accept that there are a great many questions that we don’t have the answer to:
can’t something be done about Richard Simmons?
why does toast always land butter side down?
what was sliced bread the best invention since?
Is there really a conspiracy by the security services to cover up UFO landings?
Why is Roseanne?
IF YOU WISH TO PROVIDE INPUT FOR USNOMRLP POLICY PLEASE SEND IDEAS TO PARTY HQ AT
1087 MOHAWK CIRCLE, CLEARWATER, FLORIDA, 33755, USA. E-MAIL: sirandrew@knology.net
Please note: MEMBERS ONLY (SEE BELOW FOR MEMBERSHIP INFORMATION)
www.loonyusa.com
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